I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
