Don't make out with my wife yet
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
