You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
