I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
