Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
