I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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