Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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