I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
