I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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