I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
