chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
