dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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