His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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