I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize