so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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