The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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