i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
