dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize