Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The air was thick with penises
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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