you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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