I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He shit in the fireplace
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
