So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
This baby is an asshole
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize