Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
