Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
