How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
