That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
