Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
