it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
