Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
