i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
