I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
