I wish I could teleport
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
