not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
