Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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