Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
That's when you crack a 10am beer
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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