Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
