It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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