I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
