Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
