i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
