hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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