You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize