You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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