As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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