Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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