Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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