im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
