We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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