my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
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