so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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