Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
