I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
