You made me cry and you don't even care
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
