Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize