hotel room ftw
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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