My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
