are you still at the devil's house?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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