Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
