Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
