I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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