you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
