Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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