my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
